Hello, yes, it’s actually me.
I’m here! I’m alive (by default)! I’m in California! I’m funemployed! I’m mentally stable (jk)! I’m working on a refreshed version of this newsletter (yay)! But first, why don’t I catch you up on the last 180-something days (yikes!).
I don’t how how to feel about the fact that half a year of life has happened since I wrote my last entry. Thinking back to mid-March and the weeks to follow, there is still very much a sense of numbness and anger that I will most likely be talking through with my therapist for years to follow because hello, trauma! I was at a job that was far from fulfilling and fucking with my spirit (which should explain so much of the anger that seeped out through so many of my words in every single thing I’ve written here lol). I think back to how the Atlanta shooting would happen 2 days after and what I was met with were a series of back-and-forth conversations with myself (super fun) on what my capacity was to share or be vulnerable. To this day, sitting with my grief surrounding that very specific time period feels like a large pill still making its way down a little too slowly. I remember scrolling the internet for what was probably the equivalent of traveling a thousand miles (that was not an invite to cue Vanessa Carlton) across my timeline, collecting stories from my community that expressed all the things I wanted to but couldn’t. A series of unfinished drafts kept haunting me for days on end as if my life actually depended on me updating this little blog — it doesn’t, contrary to the urgency social media content creation has plagued me/us with. In Mimi Zhu’s words, “i have had much to say with no words to say it.” Still, I find myself swimming in these drafts not quite knowing where to start or considering to just throw in the towel because who cares!? Well, maybe there’s 1 person out there who does (most likely my mom) and with that, may I remind us that the sage called Gaga once said, “there can be 100 people in the room and…” you know where I’m getting at, right?
So, here we are. A whole 183 days later. It has taken me that long to muster up some courage and finally hit ‘publish’ 🥴 and while the hesitation is thriving, it does feel good to be doing something for myself. It took me this long to process that fact that in my 9 years living in New York, my time and energy were being exploited at practically every single workplace I entered — brushing off as “just part of what it means to work in media.” Do you know what it’s like to be in a non-toxic workplace? Because I don’t! Does that even exist? Now that I’ve been completely far removed from all that in my unemployed oasis of freedom and uncertainty (in the best way possible), I reflect on these kind of things to make sense of why it took me to long to come back and start writing again. Anyone who’s ever left a job for reasons similar to mine will know that it takes time to return to your full self. The you that was — before the bullshit deadlines, the code switching, the endless eye rolls. Evidently for someone like me, it’s taken this long and you know what…THAT’S OK!!!
So we’re here and moved by the grace of God to keep going. Actually, reading this profile on her (you know, Beyoncé) I was unexpectedly reminded of that vision I had set out for myself at the top of the year, which was to share work and creative content to inspire and uplift people of color to create our own visions of everything the industry won’t let us do. For one, she talks about being “so exhausted and annoyed with these formulaic corporate companies” when it came to marketing her music. It was like putting a mirror to all the things I despised about my career in most recent years, specifically while working at agencies where it was so rare to work on projects you actually believed in and weren’t solely led by virtue of snatching a new business win to put on the website (IYKYK). Like, how long does that actually work before your shit gets older and more stale? For months I’ve been seeing more and more brands adopt *ahem* copy and paste TikTok memes and behaviors to their ads (I’m not linking them here because I literally don’t care) and I’m just over here thinking…are we really that out of ideas? (rhetorical!) And then I’m reminded of practically every setting I’ve been in where it was so rare to find more than two non-white people in the room. The thing is, it’s always the same people in the room dictating the same, formulaic bullshit that our Virgo queen so bluntly addresses:
I remember being in a meeting discussing analytics, and I was told the research discovered that my fans did not like when my photography was black and white. They told me I wouldn’t sell if it wasn’t in color. That was ridiculous. It pissed me off that an agency could dictate what my fans wanted based on a survey. Who did they ask? How is it possible to generalize people this much? Are these studies accurate? Are they fair? Are all the people I’m trying to uplift and shine a light on included? They’re not.
Umph! I thought about this story often which seemed to be the catalyst for starting her own production company “that put art and creativity first” — not metrics and accolades dictated by those same gatekeepers who would greenlight this disaster of an activism competition show (excuse me while I barf) or said not to film “Single Ladies” in black and white…bloop! And you know what, that kind of shit sticks with you. To be told your idea sucks or that you’re not doing xyz to appease someone who ultimately doesn’t give a fuck about you or your innate creativity. Imposter syndrome is not a myth! Something I’ve been learning to do more of is quieting that oppressive voice in my head that I had gotten so used to hearing throughout my entire career, as it’s been the very thing that’s stopped me from believing I can do something creative on my own. Like I said, we’re out here 6 months later and it’s STILL a challenge. Like, that voice is literally telling me right now to hit delete but you know what. She can stfu.
Since I’ve had ample time for things to run rampant in my mind, there’s been this thought of where I allow myself put my energy and time. Another part of the reason I’d been so unmotivated to write stemmed from having barely any joy left from being so drained from work (and not to mention having to still survive a global pandemic). If you watch Dave then maybe you’ve seen this episode from S2 that shines a light on Christine Ko’s character, Emma, whose storyline resonated with me on so many levels — from self-advocacy (or lack thereof), to navigating a predominately white male corporate work setting (literally an ad agency) — so much so that I got up and gave a standing O the second the credits started rolling (what? I’ve missed the theatre). At that point, I’d been on my 3rd month of funemployment and needed to feel that jolt of joy that came with working on something I was actually passionate about…because I hadn’t in what feels like years. Without giving too much away, Emma pursues a creative endeavor that was so far removed from her 9-5 but something that her body and spirit were calling her to do and I was like…yes I need to be leaning into that. SEE WHY REPRESENTATION MATTERS?
If there’s any takeaway from these words I’ve managed to spurt out on this screen (and hopefully, they make sense), it’s that whatever creative project you’re thinking about doing…to just start. You’ve got the time because it belongs to you and you only. You’ve got the energy because it’s what fuels your passion. You’ve got the talent because whoever said otherwise is a hater. Remember that the world needs your stories, your art, your creativity — in whatever form it manifests itself in.
I’ll leave you with a quote from Barbra Jane Reyes:
…if you are waiting for permission, you will be waiting a long, long time for a lot of nothing. Give this to yourself, go do the thing, and kick ass.
As always, thanks for reading and for your support 🙏
Like I mentioned earlier, I’m “working on” (but more like “thinking about”) a new format to share some curated lists like I had in previous entries. In the meantime…
Things that have inspired me to create & keep moving in purpose (and hope will do the same for you)
Leylah Fernandez’s determination to win “the right trophy” at the next U.S. Open is the kind of Virgo energy I need with me always.
I’ve watched this performance of Nandi Bushell with the Foo Fighters at least 8 times (which means I have ugly cried to it for that many) & am reminded of how powerful unleashing that inner child is — living within all of us with no inhibitions or ego. Set it free to generate something amazing.
For me, Aluna’s debut album has truly been the gift that keeps on giving. I love this profile of her on Vogue where you can see just how much of herself she put into this new creative endeavor. Brilliant.
& speaking of debuts… Lord, have mercy, I am HERE for Chlöe Bailey’s. Yes, she CAN teach you a couple things 💅 like “learning that it is okay to not give 1000% of yourself to everybody, because what will you have left to give yourself?” + more via her feature on Flaunt.
If you haven’t seen the famously iconic show from Ziwe yet, you must. It’s really quite amazing to see how the raw beginnings of an IG Live shape-shifted into this dream of a variety show. This equally iconic profile on her via InStyle is also worth a read.
There’s a reason why Kali Uchis “telepatía” is one of the only songs I don’t skip over on the radio (because yes, I drive now!) with everything else sounding so…generic. This interview with her & Omar Apollo is truly a meeting of the minds. A lengthy but fun & important conversation rooted in embracing culture.
Me not getting over the fact that my heroine Michaela Coel uses Google search just like us normies. Every moment she’s given to us is like an opportunity to embrace the power of being candid & our whole selves, trauma & all — especially in this recent podcast on NPR where she discusses her upcoming book (eeee!!).
If you’re feeling a tad uncentered, here are some methods to expand your vessels ☁️️