I’ve been hella struggling with what to write this week. Each new draft and page was met with a mirror of my mind succeeding time and time again to draw blanks, unable to form cohesive thoughts or opinions on just about anything — even this very subject of being in quarantine for a literal year. In short, I’ve been e x h a u s t e d but who isn’t? Is that even considered an “excuse” anymore? The expectation to show up and be productive, as though the world hadn’t experienced any sort of collective trauma (be it from COVID or just the usual fuckery of systemic inequality and injustice), hasn’t entirely waned despite, well, everything.
It would be remiss for me not to acknowledge that throughout the pandemic, I’ve upheld the privileges of having a job and a safe living environment. For the past year, I’ve heard various iterations of folks feeling “lucky” for these things. That never sat well with me and admittedly, I myself fell to using such language in the beginning of 2020. After a while I started to wonder…when we think of luck, do we really mean lucky to not be one of the 860,000 women that had to drop out of the labor force? Or to have not fallen within the 40% of women who were out of work for 6 months or more in 2020? More specifically, lucky to not being a Latina or Black woman that have experienced the most unemployment throughout the pandemic? Lucky that our financial livelihoods don’t rely on an abuser’s income? Or do we mean lucky to not be within the transgender community who, before COVID, was already 3x as likely to be unemployed in this country?
Maybe what I’ve said is somewhat of a reach, but for me “luck” has generally become synonymous with privilege and, potentially, the dismissal of communities outside your own. For instance, I’ve heard about luck in the context of keeping a business afloat or a bi-weekly paycheck directly deposited into a bank account. This is simply not it and we need to understand that words do matter. A perfect example: Unilever committing to remove the word “normal” from all beauty and personal care packaging and advertising. When 63% of people agreed that not having it would inspire people to feel more positive about the way they look, they made the decision and as a result, a huge win in inclusivity and brand sentiment (the advertising speak jumped out!). If it hasn’t been clear by now for organizational leaders to even consider making these kind of changes rooted in equity and empathy, I’m not sure what will.
I found this study where 85% of employees reported their well-being has declined since the pandemic, with 62% struggling to manage their workloads. Those surveyed “scored very high on exhaustion and cynicism” which just so happens to be two predictors of burnout and seemingly, were my only two moods for at least 8 months straight — if you’re not sure what that looks like just watch Apple’s horrendous WFH ad from last summer, which really should have included a trigger warning for anyone who’s ever suffered PTSD from the workplace a.k.a. me.
Alongside this notion of luck comes hustle culture, which has become super divisive in the time of quarantine. We’ve been conditioned to work work work work work (I hope you read that like Rihanna) that we forgot how to just…be. To rest. To truly do nothing. But even if we weren’t “doing anything,” it felt like we still had to fill our time by baking bread and making TikToks (both of which I really suck at, driving a very unnecessary feeling of failure which is so stupid). Maybe I’m just a lazy POS and was, to an extent, relieved to be indoors for days on end (again, a privilege!), but when did our livelihoods rely on hustling so hard that we lost sight of our overall health and well being? I think Imani Barbarin said it best:
The way America glorifies struggle is just a comms plan to make you forget that it put you in that situation and it doesn’t have to be like this.
That feeling of needing to do something productive flooded my brain nearly every second of the day, even pre-pandemic. It took me the entire year of relative stillness to understand how important rest was and is. I overworked myself for years and often ignored my body’s signals to relax. There were a handful of times when, in response to a new assignment or a notification of yet another hate crime or alarming COVID update, my body sent shock waves in the form of anxiety attacks that lasted anywhere from 5 minutes to a whole hour. I’ve taken camera-off calls in tears, just having come down from a panic attack, and have downplayed the severity of my anxiety in discussions with friends, family, co-workers, and even my own self. The answer all along was rooted in allowing my body to rest.
What the year taught so many of us was the value of resting — the reclamation of power from the act of rest, or even viewing rest as an act of resistance. So, even in those days where I struggled to send out a post, I understood that my time had to be centered in rest. I had to be re-centered in my actual self.
Now, I’ve become a person who heavily invests in finding and receiving signs from nature — especially animals — to which, I have my manifestation mentor, Nicole Maxali, to thank. At the height of the pandemic last year, Nicole taught me about providence, the “divine guidance or the protective care of a higher power.” Immediately, I started noticing geese around my neighborhood which turned out to be a literal symbol of providence itself (I know 🤯). Since then, I started regularly looking up the symbolism of other animals I’ve encountered across the various cities my partner and I visited to be with family (oh hey, another privilege! who’s counting?), everything from rabbits to hummingbirds and hawks. Then yesterday, after days of feeling so uninspired to write, I unexpectedly spotted a deer right outside the living room. Naturally, a Google click away showed me that deer represent the embodiment of peace, grace, and gentleness. Things that I’ve lost complete track of for so many years, being caught up in the hustle and hands of capitalist definitions of productivity. It was a sign of all signs.
For anyone reading this who can relate, my hope is that you find your own unique ways to reclaim rest this week and the year ahead. It can be simply taking a moment to breathe deeply to ground and re-center yourself. Know that your rest is productive. So long as we live in a world where systemic changes are barely being uprooted, there will be things that shake us and send us back into fight or flight mode, but know that those are signals to take a step inward. I’ll leave you all with this piece of advice from Ms. Diana Ross as a reminder to stop, and just listen.
Here is your curated list of things that have kept me alive and well and optimistic and inspired and all the things that make me feel like there is, in fact, hope 👇
some favorites from the year (so far)
SZA’s shroom paradise in her video for “Good Days”
The cast of Rodgers & Hammerstein’s Cinderella (1997) reuniting, which I may possibly never recover from
These Mariachis in Texas who deserve much more recognition for their patriotism (playing in front of Ted Cruz’s house)
This interview with Dapper Dan on the influence of growing up in Harlem
A spooky but enlightening episode from Stories with Sapphire on the connection between spiritual and physical sickness
Hearing Giselle Carillo talk about seeing brown girl representation in surfing
Billie challenging gender bias and heteronormativity and patriarchal conditioning in Think Of A Woman
Kelly Marie Tran is the voice of Disney’s first South Asian princess which, sure, raises some eyebrows, but you can’t deny the purity and joy this video exudes
Why I need more ballet dancers moving to Cardi B
This 5-year-old dressed up as Black trailblazers and I am here for it
up in my tabs this week
Black Panther was more than just a movie, especially for this engineer who saw it as inspiration to boost diversity in STEM
These 23 Asian editors and influencers sharing their own experience living in the diaspora in the midst of anti-Asian hate crimes (I am partial to Kristina Rodulfo’s story)
A mic-drop in the form of a letter to the Society of Editors (who, following the Oprah interview with the Sussex’s, is confirmed trash)
The $1 billion podcast market has historically left out diverse voices, but these Black women are changing that.
Remembering that feeling of being at a Beyoncé concert
Understandings how Bretman Rock’s new reality show on MTV is the Filipinx representation we need and deserve
& we can all agree gender reveal parties are literal worst but here is exactly why
Before you go, please also take the pledge to protect Black women. It’s been 1 year since Breonna Taylor’s life was taken away by the police and justice has not been served.
As always, thanks for reading and for your support 🙏
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It's Been a Year
This is so beautiful, Coy❤️. Very informative! The things you mentioned are so true, eye openers and I was deeply moved! Another great article I enjoyed reading. Looking forward to more COY❤️👏🏻