Hello! I’m back.*
The spiderwebs on this thing are overwhelming enough for me to let the dust accumulate forever since it’s just “easier” to look the other way and forget about this “project” completely…but really, I can’t. Because I know that result would manifest as an imminent disappointment in myself for “giving up” and I am done with that chapter in my book damnit!!! (what I’m clearly never going to be done with are unnecessary quotation marks and I’m not sorry)
*more importantly though is the return of Kelela and Los Espookys season 2 — both of which have given me reasons to continue breathing
So, here I am entering the chat, feeling extremely nervous and a little discombobulated since the last time I hit that publish button. A lot has happened…obviously. In my and literally everyone’s life, in the world* — the Queen died (lol), Teresa Guidice got married (with 1,5000 bobby pins in her hair, naturally), Ana de Armas may or may not be possessed, and low rise pants are “back” (I will not be participating).
*please follow what’s happening in Iran and Puerto Rico
If there was nothing to report in the last 6 months that would be incredibly alarming, right? But would it be so bad? And actually, I think yes. Because who are we without change??? My motto in recent years has been the whole “when one door closes, another one opens” but really there’s a whole lot more doors. I’ve been reflecting on this idea that all we’re responsible for is allowing ourselves to walk through literally any of them as an embodiment of freedom. There’s so much to explore beyond the limitations this world/society has instilled in us. It’s a luxury I believe is all of ours to have.
journal prompt: in what are ways you’re allowing yourself to step through new doors to expand your capacity for growth?
🌱
Personally, I’ve closed many a door and failed to step into the possibilities of so many others because of good old Fear, my archenemies. You know how many times I told myself, “I’m going to start working for myself so I don’t have to deal with this shit anymore?” Well, a lot! Every time I’ve quit a job with the intention of going it alone, I got sucked back into the cycle of self doubt, convincing myself that I’m an idiot for even having the thought of being able to sustain myself. Ha! I’d jump back to a new desk job until eventually, I’d be spit out as the most burnt out version of myself and regretting why I didn’t just listen to my inner consciousness yelling, “yes I can,” at me (Gotta Kick It Up-style) all those years.
What I’m learning to do and allowing myself to do is drown out the negative, self deprecating noises in my head and replacing them with affirmations (gotta live laugh love ‘em) that sound more like this:
I’m worthy of living a life on my own terms.
I am rooting for myself (I don’t care if it’s giving Tyra Banks) and I am on my side.
I allow myself to step into my power everyday.
I deserve to choose freedom.
I’m here now slowly making it out of that hole of self doubt, self sabotage, self hate, any and every negative connotation I latched onto convincing myself I wasn’t good enough to start my own business. Often, I get very tormenting Kevin McCallister-style flashbacks where, instead of a cousin calling me laissez competent, it’s a montage of past supervisors calling me laissez competent and the like (iterations of “slow” and “lazy” have been my absolute favorite for boosting my confidence!!). I’ve had to train myself to snap out of it (still very much am) and reverse-internalize what’s been said about me by people who were never for me to begin with, in workplaces that I was never meant to thrive in. It’s taken a lot of therapy, journal pages, being read for filth by my Kapwa Tarot deck, and palo santo smoke to wake up from my corporate nightmares.
With all that I’ve been conditioned to think about myself, it feels freeing to be in a place where I can begin truly shedding those self-limiting beliefs. It’s one thing to reflect on and journal about why we are the way we are, but putting what we learn as a result of that into practice? To embody what we actually wanna be? Whew…a whole other battle! We can’t just think our way out of things. Like, I can spend all the time in the world thinking, writing, processing, but nothing will change unless I actually act on what I want to see change.
It took all these past trials and tribulations, the support of my partner, family and friends who kept drilling this simple but terrifying message to just start working for myself (it’s been years, but of course you have to be ready and in the right frame of mind to take action). Namely, one very necessary tough love-filled conversation with my cousin Nini is what lit the fire under my ass to say “fuck it, who cares” and to follow that green light and go.
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So, yeah…
I started my own social media consultancy!
The website’s been snatched (& would be nothing without my headshots shot by Kindred Kapwa), the LinkedIn’s been updated, the TikTok’s are a flowin’ (not really, but I’m trying), and your girl is 100% in her cringe era. Being front and center, having to promote myself and self advocate to essentially millions of potential strangers who might stumble upon my work is painfully uncomfortable but I have to keep telling myself that old adage: change doesn’t happen within comfort zones.
Even more so is that irony in embracing change being a fixed sign where, typically, we are resistant to it (s/o to my fellow Scorpios, Taureans, Leos, and Aquarians! You good?) — yet every time I experience a major transition, there is always something better on the other side of it. Also, life is so impermanent — a fact that I’ve been consciously trying to remind myself of (especially with the guidance of BACII, a service from an incredible death doula to help navigate end-of-life topics). Early on in June, I found myself in conflict with a part-time job I took on for the duration of 9 months that began feeling so unaligned with what I truly wanted to do: work for myself. And if not now, when?
I’ll be sharing more of my learning process in what it means to start a new business (literally as we’re about the enter a recession but whatever!!!) in the extremely polarizing social media industry but for now, leave you with this quote from Paul Ferrini that I stumbled upon in Adrienne Maree Brown’s Emergent Strategy which just so happened to be in the chapter about adaptation and change:
Your life is a spiritual path. Don’t be quick to abandon it for bigger and better experiences. You are getting exactly the experiences you need to grow. If your growth seems slow or uneventful to you, it is because you have not fully embraced the situations and relationships at hand. To know the self if to allow everything, to embrace the totality of who we are — all that we think and feel, all that we fear, all that we love.
As always, thank you all for supporting this newsletter and I promise I’ll get back to regularly scheduled content. Feel free to share this with someone who you think may resonate with these words!
If you’d like, you can show your gratitude by contributing to my coffee/boba fund which ultimately helps keep me alive and awake as I start this new venture!!! (but throwing a ‘like’ on this post is just as sufficient as it fuels my confidence to keep going lol)