Hello from the city of I still have no idea what I’m doing!
It has officially been a full year since I published my first entry. 😟
I figured I’d pop in here to acknowledge the absolute bare minimal effort I’ve made in keeping this newsletter “alive” and to also officially welcome in a new year of possibilities and potential (to flop yet again, jk)! Happy Lunar New Year!
The truth is, I am tired. And there is no way not a single one of you can’t relate (even Elmo). Seeing that we had made it to nearly 700 days in a pandemic sent me into my 42378430th* existential crisis of this exact time period.
*completely estimated by measure of how my spirit moved my fingers across the keyboard
I’m not sure about you, but my timeline has this habit of shoving down reminders to “rest” and “log off” in varying forms of memes and being the Scorpio woman I am, I…do not listen. On the off chance, my 5th minute of no-screen time has a way of sending my brain into a flurry of to-do’s that I keep putting off or nonsensical questions that I know only Twitter can answer (“is it my gemini moon or adhd” is something I have actually typed into the search bar). Then, it’s back into the grips of internet hell I go!
The sad reality I’ve had to learn how to accept about myself is that I simply do not know how to relax. This is something my partner has had a habit of telling me in the 5 years we’ve been together. My habit, has been to retort that being on social media catching up on the latest Housewives tweets while simultaneously watching Housewives was, in fact, me relaxing. 🤡 = me.
If my phase of binge-watching Intervention and Hoarders taught me anything, you can’t force anyone to get help. They have to seek it for themselves. So unfortunately for me, no amount of @WeTheUrban motivational/affirmation carousels could whack the inner saboteur out of me. Deep down, I wasn’t ready to listen.
In fact, I’ve been in comfort zone of doomscrolling for a solid 6 years, perhaps even longer. I’m failing to remember a time when I simply wasn’t “plugged in” that wasn’t pre-Instagram. I first downloaded it in 2012, which means I’ve been in a loop of constant validation for 10 years. I remember a period of time when I’d delete a post because it only got single-digit likes. This is an illness.
And while I’m happy to report those days are behind me, a faint sense of still needing to be liked by the content I create still lingers. Even if that piece of content was a stupid picture of noodles I ate that day. It had better be the best picture of noodles I ever took goddammaaaat. Anything less than, I rendered “not good enough” followed by a “we’ll get ‘em next time!” Exhausting. And completely unnecessary.
It took nearly 2 years into a pandemic to conclude that the reason I never knew how to relax was because I never gave myself the proper chance to. I’m hot-wired to being productive. And I hate it. You know that capitalistic urge to always be on? It’s become my least favorite noise — next to Zoey Deschanel’s Christmas album and Trump saying, “billions.” The kind of noise that makes me so angry I blackout and lose control of my Twitter fingers (both in reaction to capitalism and Zoey, just to confirm).
After quitting my job last April, I had full intentions of taking time off — meaning no responsibilities other than keeping a steady pulse. At the same time, I was also like, “I’m going to use this opportunity to dedicate all the extra time I’ll have to writing and creating hella content for myself and myself only!!!” While I did find some time for solitude, I don’t think I was ever able to fully rest. That internalized pressure of needing to constantly produce, even without a job, ate at me. It still does and I feel it at this very second, needing to churn out these damned thoughts on an imaginary and completely self-imposed deadline. Rude!
On top of that, I’m not proud to admit the fact that I spent nearly 3 hours of my life figuring out what to post at the end of the year as a recap video. Writing this out confirms the sheer stupidity because the second I decided not to, my brain immediately went, “oh I’ll just have to take more videos next year.” HAHAHAHAHELP!!!
Rest is so important and essential to our survival, yet structural and systemic pillars of capitalism and white supremacy (which do go hand-in-hand) make it seem so impossible to even allow yourself a nanosecond of doing absolutely nothing. Even my daily morning meditations haven’t stopped my little colonized brain from running down my to-do list. It’s sick!
According to Mental Health America, over half of adults in the U.S. with a mental illness don’t receive treatment — that’s over 27 million people. In another study on social media and mental health, 1 in 3 Americans reported feeling depressed last October but I am sure that number is likely much higher, especially following this latest surge of COVID. What I found particularly important to note was this:
Survey respondents who had minimal symptoms of depression early on were more likely to report an increase in symptoms in later surveys if they used social media.
My experience with depression has been like the finicky button on the remote control (always the volume) that always gives out, so you have to get up from the comfort of wherever you’ve plopped your ass comfortably on and walk all five grueling steps to the TV. You know it must be done, but the process of getting there feels like too much work. So you just sit there and continue watching, unable to hear a thing and, ultimately, not caring. That’s me, depressed, on social media. I got way too comfortable in the mind-numbing silence of doomscrolling that everything outside of it seems like too much to deal with. It has, in so many ways, made it that much easier to detach from reality while simultaneously creating a totally fake one, based on constant comparison.
Even despite taking a month-long break* last May, the depths to which I relied on Instagram (for creative inspiration) or Twitter (for news and hot goss) were just so deeply embedded into my everyday life that the urge to “just check” felt like what I’d imagine battling a drug addiction is like. Social media is that in so many ways. In a book I read years ago, How to Break Up with Your Phone, (which, obviously I also failed to do) the author writes, “We become convinced that the only way to protect ourselves is to constantly check our phones to make sure that we’re not missing something.” Newsflash: we aren’t.
*I was, in fact, inspired by this episode of Filipina On The Rise and quit social for a full ass month with the help & accountability of some close friends
Side note: I realize how counter-productive it is to promote healthier social media boundaries while linking posts directly from the belly of the beast. Is it an example of just how much these apps can still inspire us to create, despite their potential harms? I’ve always tried to emphasize the very importance of creating, no matter on what medium, so I don’t have a real takeaway here — just another thing to think about (on top of everything else, you’re welcome)!
What I intend to move through this new year with is a greater sense of self that isn’t attached to social media, regardless of the fact that I quite literally work within the space. If you’re like me and want to create a balanced relationship with social media, I’m not suggesting anyone delete the apps (especially for the sake of me not having a means to fund a roof over my head and my weekly boba consumption). Rather, to give yourself space and reflect on ways you’ve relied on them. I know I’ll sound geriatric saying this but there was a time when social media didn’t rule our lives and we survived. Remember that???
One of the biggest lessons I’ve received in our post-2020 world is that sitting with your discomforts is necessary to growth. Mine have consistently been rooted in unhealthy social media patterns which I refuse to define me or tire me out any longer! (write that on my tombstone)
In the times where it felt physically impossible for me to get out of bed these past couple years, I always knew there were always the little things to look forward to that had absolutely nothing to do with checking my newsfeed — like tending to my plants (though I’m sad to admit that some are no longer with us), a new season of PEN15, or Kaytranada music. It took so much to get there, but once I did, it became so clear that my joy was rooted in experiencing the creation of others, who, I am convinced, were able to create because they allowed themselves to rest.
I love this message from Resident Advisor’s EIC, Whitney Wei, who wrote about turning toward wellness during uncertain times in the dance music community:
…while anxiety and depression can feel like personal struggles, they are often the byproducts of larger systemic issues: social disconnection, job insecurity and discrimination. In fact, wellness is criticized for being a bandage solution for these societal ills, transferring the burden of responsibility from institutions to individuals, as if all it takes to be a balanced person is a religious yoga regimen. And yet, I still see wellness as a universal right. It is attending to the body and mind to the best of one's abilities. Sometimes implementing the simplest, most mundane practices, like drinking ginger tea after the function, reminds us of the small ways we can show up for ourselves in spite of the chaos. Transformation, after all, is rarely one sweeping action, but an accumulation of small choices we make over time.
I hope that those small choices we make can cumulatively benefit and inspire each other to tend to our wellness. We need your art, we need your words, we need your original TikTok choreo. All of that comes with rest. There’s nothing more I wish for you all. ❤️
some things that brought me cheer
Watching the final season of PEN15 — namely, that episode dedicated to Yuki, and essentially, all immigrant moms
Issa Rae calling music industry leaders “crooks and criminals” with “archaic mentalities” in this LA Times interview (if you know about my personal experience working at a label you’ll know this is the kind of thing I live for)
American Girl creating the doll of the year in an effort to combat anti-Asian hate. She’s Chinese and has turquoise hair, to which I say, werk!!!
Shopping Adelitas Apparel’s amazing shirts & stickers (I got this one and am obsessed)
Reading Hunter Harris’ newsletter
Listening to Gabrielle Union’s new book (you can read my favorite chapter here)
Re-watching seasons 6-8 of Drag Race (specifically my newfound appreciation for Cynthia Lee Fontaine who has never made me laugh so hard in my life???) and also playing Ru’s new song on repeat
Kulap Vilaysack & SuChin Pak making me think about the things I “buy and buy into” in their Add to Cart podcast
The only take on And Just Like That that matters
Adrienne Maree Brown’s meme roundups (one good reason to stay on social!)
Mariah being Mariah
Thank you all for supporting this very much WIP of a project by subscribing. I’ll be returning to somewhat regular dispatches but in the meantime, if you’d like to share anything that helped get you through the last few months of 2021, please do! I’d love to include it in my next issue. With credit, obviously. I’m not a white teen on TikTok.
As always, please consider sharing this with someone who you think might like this!
If you’d like to, you can show your gratitude by contributing to my coffee/boba fund, a majority of which I will be giving back to Black-owned businesses throughout the month of February for Black History Month.